Testing grows Our Faith

I start back to Grad school next week and to be honest with you, I am nervous!!! The class I have to take is Elementary Statistics and I have not dealt with math since my college days which ended 19 years ago!!!!

Math and I are not best friends, thank God Jesus and I are. When I make it through this class I will tell you it is only because the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ! The Holy Spirit in me will have to take this class and you can bet your bottom dollar I will rely on Him so much it will be apparent it wasn't me and my strength that got me through!

This took me a while to learn. I don't know why, maybe because I am just hard headed. It really does seem to take me longer to "GET" things. I have read research on the brain and the effects of Sexual abuse and PTSD have on it and let me tell you straight up, it changes the brain!

I really thought there was something "wrong" with me, that I was just "slower" than most people and the truth is....I am! My brain does not remember things like a "normal" brain, whatever normal is. It is frustrating for me because I can't remember things at times. It just isn't there. It's like it goes in and floats right out there somewhere.

This is my reality...I don't share this for anyone to pity me, because honestly I don't like anyone to. I share it with you because someone else might experience the same thing and I want you to know you are not alone!!! I have issues with organization and inattention. For so long I felt bad about this, I would be very hard on myself and at times I would hear the voice of the enemy whisper to me and tell me how stupid I was because I couldn't remember things. It's not my fault, I can't remember, it's just the way it is due to the trauma I endured.

If I don't write something down...forget it, don't expect me to remember it. I put things in certain places so I can see visual reminders or I will forget to do stuff. This is a bit frustrating when you live with someone who has OCD and likes things in certain places. We have had to go a few rounds and I still have to remind him that I do things a certain way because I CAN'T remember!!! : ) I have come to a place of acceptance with my reality and have relied on God more because of it. I can't do things in my strength, but I know/I'm learning I can do it through His.

So, this is why I am nervous about my Stats Class, I know I am learning new info and will have to remember it too. I am crying out to God to help me and walk with me the entire way! He is the one that called me to go to Grad School, He has a purpose and plan for my life that is bigger and better than I could ever come up with, so I am going to be tested this semester to see just how much I am willing to rely on Him to work in and through me! I will have no choice but to walk by Faith and not by Sight ( 2 Corinthians 5: 7 NKJV) because the Road I am looking at looks pretty dark and scary! However, I know and Believe that when you put your Hope and Faith in the Son, everything looks Brighter! I'll gladly accept your prayers on my behalf : )

Blessings,

Debra L. Roberts

I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. Galatians 2: 20(NKJV)

So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief; for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew 17: 20(NKJV)

God Speaks Through My Little Girl

I am in complete shock, joy and amazement that my 12 year old daughter would be used by God in such a profound way! The words that describe how I feel are too numerous, but I have NO doubt that God wrote through my daughter. The wisdom that was written in the time period of ten minutes is too deep for a 12 year old. I have always been honest with my daughter, she knows my life story and she has educated girls because I was willing to share it. She knows who abused me and she asked me to see a picture of the one that I just forgave, the one that took me 37 years to forgive. She saw recent pictures of him I obtained through a friend and she sat down and wrote this.....I share it because I believe it was written by the hand of God to impact lives. The question is how??? Share your reactions please....


Dick

Something was in Dick’s eyes that I had a feeling was not right. His facial expression seemed as if something was wrong. I could tell he has been through a painful and deep past. He was a child molester. He had no reason to be one of course. Most people make up excuses why they would do such a thing. But for me, I could tell that there were many reasons why he might have done something like this. The more I look at his picture, the more I see regret and sadness in his eyes. I already knew he was a child molester. But I think I have found out more about this man just by looking at him. I know I have a God given gift that I can read people just by looking into their eyes, and seeing their face...This man was not only in complete and total devastation, but he was also abused himself. I have a feeling that something had happened to this man..It’s a petrifying past that remains untold to this day. There are many stories that have been left behind closed doors. His story, is one of them. Not only was he hurting other people, but he was hurting himself. His dreadful previous life of violence and pain reacted in a way in such to recreate his past and reveal certain memories that are replayed in a different time, a different way, and a different target referring to a different person. Maybe he did not mean to do the things that he has done. However, the anger and bitterness of his past got the most out of him, and he raged out in a way that should have been let out on the cross instead of a child. Most thieves are liars. He was a thief. He stole the innocence of a young bright-eyed girl, and denied the fact he took it. He lured the little girl in by setting up his bait of kindness and love. Then, he took out his hook, and stabbed it right into her heart, leaving all the rips and tears open. All of her emotions flooded out and were left out to rot. Nothing would ever be the same anymore. He was only fishing for something to make himself feel better. Hurt people hurt people. Molestation was his ways of making himself feel good. It was his way of getting stimulated mentally and physically. The little girl was left in pieces. Years later, she has come to realize more and more about this, and God was the one that was there to sew up the rips and tears of her heart. He was the one picking up all the puzzle pieces then fitting them back together one by one, and every time he did, he revealed more and more secrets from her past that she had never witnessed or understood before. Although you can never forget the past, you can always forgive it. She has come to know that this is what she must do. Out of fear, it was hard to do at first. But now, the puzzle is finally coming together, and as it does, she gets stronger and stronger each day. Her inner strength given by God, is finally taking over her memories of a terrible childhood and using it for His sake and His glory to help others. You may want to just hide forever from things like this. Most people do. With the help of Him, He will guide you out of your shell that you were tightly stuffed in by the rage of this world and let you come to realize, in everyone, there will and always be, a Dick.

-We Believe this was Written by God through Heather-
The name "Dick" is factious.

Some days are clear others are cloudy!

Some days the purpose for life seems so clear and others it doesn't. At times, I feel like I am going uphill and on others I am coasting. On those days that it seems easier, I guess are the ones that God sends me signs or clues as to exactly what it is I am called to do. I remember when I was so depressed I didn't even want to get out of bed. It seems like so long ago but in reality it really isn't. I know that each day God gives us His Grace for that day and each day brings new Grace. I didn't have that before when I was depressed. I didn't understand what having a personal relationship with God even meant. I couldn't be where I am today without that relationship. My life is evident that He is at work because if He wasn't I know I would be depressed and feeling hopeless.

Someone asked me how I did it. How did I go from those days to these days? I decided one day that I wasn't going to allow the past to control my life anymore. I had been through Hell, it didn't mean I had to stay there. I needed to start doing something that was different from what I was doing so I started by listening to inspiring messages and watching shows that were encouraging. So much of the garbage on our television and radio stations does nothing but keep you down! The words are depressing, the stories are depressing, so doesn't it make sense it would be depressing? I had to make some changes, I couldn't stand another day of what it was like. So I took a leap of Faith and jumped. Now that doesn't mean that I don't have bad days, in fact the last couple of blog posts will prove that if I listen to certain voices that I will be taken down to the pit.

Forgiveness was also a HUGE part in helping me get out of depression. I was literally locked down and could not move. For me it was imperative that I forgive because it was ruining my life. I could not forgive without God's help. I tried and tried, but it was only a surface type forgiveness. What I finally realized was I could not forgive without God helping me to forgive. So I prayed for Him to help me to forgive. I prayed for Him to take away the pain and heartache and the wounded Spirit that I carried so I could truly be FREE to do what He had called me to do! I surrendered the whole situation to Him, I handed Him the abusers and said, God, you deal with them, me being mad and hurt and angry is not helping me move forward but keeping me held back. He did it, He helped me to forgive and release my abusers into His hands. Those emotions of hurt and anger are now redirected and give me motivation to move to a new level of healing so I can reach my hand out to others. Someone cannot teach what he or she has not learned. So, that is what I learned this past week. It was a lesson that I believe God wanted me to learn months ago, but I missed it, I wasn't tuned into hearing His truth, so once again I had to come back around to this same spot and forgive.

I realize that life is cyclic. I can look back now and see that my life has gone in cycles and seasons. There is healing and then it comes back around and deeper healing is gained the next cycle. I believe it continues this way until God has you where He wants you and can use you the most. Making changes in life don't just happen overnight. You truly have to be open to making them and work on being open to God's help. We can't change ourselves, it is Gods strength within us that makes the changes. We must do our part and God does His. What I tried to do myself is tiny compared to what God and I do together. He is the best partner I have ever had! Each day, I ask for His help and guidance and allow Him to take the wheel and drive. For someone who is a control freak like me, that is not an easy task. However, as He proves His faithfulness and love for me, I let more and more of myself be controlled by Him and when I do, it is apparent He is working. This is what is called surrender. It has not been easy for me, I often forget what is best for me, but He doesn't! He gently reminds me by something I read or through someone else that He is in control and can do so much more if I don't try to be in control. I apologize and give Him back the reigns; it is so much easier that way! I pray one day that I will allow all of God to move in full time and take over every ounce of my being. For me that is what reaching my full potential is all about. More of Him and Less of Me! He will use my personality and the gifts He gave me but it will be apparent that what is being accomplished in my life is not by my own strength but through His...I think it is apparent now, but I know what the future holds and it looks bright! I look forward to serving God and being a channel that He uses to reach hurting people. May you be blessed!

Serving Him,

Debra
www.YourFullPotential.Org

Forgiveness--true forgiveness

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go.” Psalm 32:8 NKJV

I sit here with tears in my eyes as I write these words from my heart. Have you ever been asked by God to do something that you have no idea how you are going to do? Sometimes God has us do things that we could NEVER do on our own to prove to us that we can not live without Him. The Grace God gave me when He forgave me from ALL of my sins was HUGE! And when I say HUGE, I mean HUGE! I had looked for Love in ALL the wrong places and when I finally searched for God with all of my heart, I found Him! He was there, waiting for me, He had actually been there all along, I just could not see it because of all the walls I had built up around me. I even built one up to hide the little girl who had been taken advantage of. What I didn't realize was instead of protecting her, she went into isolation and was forced to hide. She was not FREE! She was still shackled and God wanted her FREE too. But how could that be done....he showed me today as I sat waiting on a doctor.

Forgiveness that is how, True Forgiveness for one of my abusers who I have hated for years. I was committing Murder of my heart and the bitterness that was hiding was eating me up! I could not forgive him, he didn't admit what he did, in fact he told me I was crazy and I made the whole thing up, I was so mad that he would not just own up to what he had done! Most thieves are liars, very few are honest, is that so hard to figure out? It didn't matter that he didn't tell the truth, God knows the truth and he says "vengance is mine". I had to forgive, I knew I had to forgive, but I could not do it alone, I cried out to God to help me and He assured me he would walk along my side and hold my right hand and be with me the whole time. I am about to make a phone call to give someone who I dearly loved, trusted and was betrayed by a pardon. I am letting him out of the jail cell I have kept him in for the last 37 years, I can't believe that is what I am doing, but God assures me I will not be alone! All I can say is the same words Jesus said when he was on the cross.."Forgive him Father for he knows not what he does/did". Grace, Mercy and Love are from the Lord, He supplies me with All my needs and I pray that he will direct my words. Thank you Jesus, I ask all of this in your name.

Amen

One of those days/weeks....

Remember a couple posts back I shared that I am honest, sometimes too honest....well here I am again, sharing what is going on in my world. I really don't understand what is going on all I know for sure is that FEAR is part of the equation. So, hopefully by the time I am finished writing this I will have some clarity. I think it is important to point out that reaching Your Full Potential doesn't just happen. There are hurdles that must be overcome and you end up running into brick walls that just seem impossible to get around. I have and continue to battle to overcome the obstacles that get in my way to reaching My Full Potential. God knows where He is taking me, but I don't always see it.

So, I said that Fear was that stumbling block in my path. I'll explain...I am in Graduate School and the last two semesters I have experienced anxiety and panic attacks. I have felt so overwhelmed by the amount of information that is coming at me that I don't feel like I can keep up. The last class, I barely finished in fact I didn't totally complete because I had a panic attack that would not turn off.

I am in therapy discussing some deep healing issues and my PTSD obviously went into full force. I ended up going to the E.R. because I turned bright red and my face was flushed and I felt like poison was racing through my system. They did all kinds of tests but could find nothing wrong. I was so frustrated because I knew something wasn't right but no one could tell me what it was. I finally went to my Psychiatrist who determined my fight or flight system was on full throttle and was not turning off. He told me the PTSD was enough for that to happen but all of the other stress I was under including grad school, work, and home life issues was more than one person could handle. He gave me some medication to stop the attacks but it also cut off all the "feel good drugs" my brain normally produced. I was spiraling downwards into a deep depression like I had experienced 5 years ago. It scared me so bad because I did not want to revisit the pit of hell. I remember what that was like and no way was I going there again. So I called him and he suggested I stop taking that med and get back on some anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds that I had been on for years. I did that and slowly the feeling of stress overload subsided. However, it feels like it is coming back mixed with depression. I FEEL depressed, I FEEL fearful, I FEEL afraid. I do not FEEL happy or bubbly and FEEL sad.

I just had a counseling session with two people who understand sexual abuse. I poured out my heart and what they recognized was, I was not connected to the little girl inside of me. I put on this brave adult front to carry on. The truth is there is a very scared little girl inside and I have no idea who she is. I look at her picture and do not even remember her. It is as though I never knew her. I do not know how to connect with her, but I know she is there because as I type this, she is crying inside. She is scarred, lonely, and angry because she was abandoned and rejected and never got the love she needed. She has not grown up and desires to talk to someone and have playmates who really understand her, love her and accept who she is. The brave adult which honestly at times is a front so she can appear "normal" is not the real me. The Real me is a combination of both but they have been disconnected for so long. How can I bring out this little girl so she can tell you her real story? The story of a little girl who lost so much, who had no idea what was happening to her, who tried to be brave but she was crumbling. She feels unlovable, she feels dirty, she feels like no one cared about her because no one would hear her screams. She tried to tell but no one listened. No one understood the signs. The bed wetting until age 10, the constant throat infections, the inappropriate sexuality and desire to sit in men’s laps, the little "flirt at age 6, 7, 8, 9......" that was not cute, that was her way of explaining she learned something that was not meant for her to learn. She cowers in a corner afraid to come out for fear no one will like her. She doesn't understand why no one wanted her besides those men who wanted pieces of her body. They took pieces of her body and pieces of her soul at the same time. This left her a fragmented and confused little child. No one is hearing me, how can I get someone to hear me, what must I do so I can be heard and get the attention I need? All I know how to do is what I learned to do at such a young age..I give my body and then someone wants me. My body must be who I am because that is all anyone seems to see. I begin to believe this lie and live it out...but who lives this out, is it her, the little girl or was she taken along for the ride because that is what I wanted? I say this because I just noticed I went from writing about her/she to I/me. These two people are not one, they are separate and that is why I believe I do not feel like a whole person. At times, I feel like a fake because there is a part of me that is very vulnerable, very sad and very fearful but she never gets to speak because the adult takes over and puts on a happy face and pretends all is well. Isn't that what she learned to do early on?

"Put a smile on your face and a song in your heart" is what my Mother always used to say. When the little girl was acting like a little girl, she was always told "cool it Sarah", Sarah was a very overdramatic actress from the early 1900's and when she acted that way her mother always told her that. She wasn't free to express how she really felt, her emotions and expressions were told to "cool it". The little girl never could be who God wanted her to be, she was so confused because what came natural to her was not the right thing to do, in fact she always felt like she could never do anything right and everything she did was wrong. She heard "cool it Sarah" a lot! What was the problem, why wasn't she good enough to be loved, why wasn't she accepted, why was she rejected and made to act and be someone she wasn't. Why wasn't she seen as O.K.? The sexual abuse she endured made her bad, it made her defective that is why no one wanted her or that is what she believed, but the abusers wanted her, they at least gave her the attention, but it wasn't really what she wanted, but it must do.

If it wasn't for that kind of attention she wouldn't get any at all. She hated how she felt after she got the attention, it was so confusing because it felt good and felt bad all at the same time. She just wanted to be loved but she felt like no one did. That little girl still feels like she isn't loved or accepted because she is the part that gets in the way from that "Big Girl" accomplishing what it is she wants. But ,she must share her feelings, she’s old enough now to speak up and she believes that it is now safe to come out of hiding. She is scared, she is fearful but if she doesn't speak up now how will anyone know what it was really like for her? She must tell her story so she can grow up and enjoy the life that God has in store for her too. She can't stay a fearful little girl forever, what a waste that would be.

So today she is coming out, will you recognize that she is doing it afraid? Will you embrace her and love her anyway? She can't worry about that anymore she just knows that she can't allow Fear to keep her in that corner any longer. She wants to enjoy life and feel the sunshine on her face, so here she is, the bright eyed beautiful little girl who's bottom lip is quivering but she must face the fear head on and be brave, she can do it because she believes other little girls have done the same...are you one of those little girls? If so will you let her know you are, introduce yourself to her and share with her how you faced the fear of coming out of hiding. She wants to play hop scotch and ring around the rosy and she needs to find some friends who will love her and accept her because they understand.....

It is very clear why all of the information in Grad school was too much. The little girl could not handle it, she was not mature enough to handle it, her brain didn't function like a grad school student, she's only 5! I believe if we take the numbers of our age and add them together, we will find out how old we really are, so that is how I figured out how old she was, 4+1=5. I am not 41, my body, my outside is, but in reality, I am still 5. At times, I FEEL like a 5 year old. I am confused, unsure and afraid.

I started this post off with these words, "hopefully by the time I am finished writing this I will have some clarity", I think it is apparent why I feel fearful or why she feels fearful. The little girl who is 5 is in grad school when in reality she belongs on the playground....I think it's time for Pick Up Stix and Popsicles....until next time....

Debra Roberts

www.YourFullPotential.Org

From one White girl’s perspective who speaks the Truth because, it needs to be….

I grew up in a small Southern Texas town and don’t remember seeing any black people. I honestly don’t think any black people lived in our town. I used to hear the “N. word” and the things said after that word were not nice. I grew up hearing this talk off and on but something cringed inside me every time I did. I hated hearing adults talk about people like that. I guess I was just a natural born peacemaker because on many occasions I voiced my opinion and said, I bet all of them aren’t like that and I don’t think it is nice to talk that way.

In college, I met some black people at a party, one of them was a star football player and he was really cool. He talked to me off and on during the night and I just kept wondering, why so many white people disliked colored people or talked about them in such a degrading manner. It just did not make sense to me. After graduation, I had the opportunity to work with several black people and they were always very fun and friendly people. I again questioned why couldn’t the people I grew up around see what I could see.

When I met my husband, I realized he had no problem with blacks, in fact his two best friends and golfing buddies are black. One of them was his best man in our wedding. He and his wife are two of the sweetest people I have ever met! However, the big shock of my life happened when these same people invited us to a birthday party held in their home. Never in my life have I experienced the love and feeling of being so welcomed into someone’s home. We were the minority at that party, but it didn’t bother us. We had a blast, it was the time of our lives!

I felt privileged to hear first hand stories of amazing trials and tribulations. These people had so much love and joy in their heart. I was truly amazed at their grace. We ate, laughed, danced and sang to some great tunes! We honored a black woman’s birthday and celebrated her special day in a big way. There was a time-line of her life and I was amazed at everything she had seen and endured. I took pictures and videos to commemorate that special day (There are in my FB albums). I heard some amazing music by black artists that I had never heard before. Two beautiful young women sang and I listened intently with awe and wonder because I felt like I had just heard two black angels sing.

I am baking some corn bread muffins to take to another party at the same home today, I look forward to another day of spending it with people who know how to show love, laugh and have a good time. These people have soul and they have no problem sharing it…..for those of you who grew up with racial influences, this note is to encourage you to experience life with open arms for people no matter what color they are. If you grew up influenced by others words, and you are carrying those words to the next generation, I encourage you to stop and experience Reality first hand with people who have a different skin color, you might just be surprised…… how can I say this, because I was!!!

Love and blessings to all,


Debra the Bold Soul Sister


"Racism is the Dogma that one Ethnic group is Superior to another. Wise people question it and find out the Truth on their own and Bold people go one step farther and share the Truth they personally discovered." Debra Roberts, 2009