One of those days/weeks....

Remember a couple posts back I shared that I am honest, sometimes too honest....well here I am again, sharing what is going on in my world. I really don't understand what is going on all I know for sure is that FEAR is part of the equation. So, hopefully by the time I am finished writing this I will have some clarity. I think it is important to point out that reaching Your Full Potential doesn't just happen. There are hurdles that must be overcome and you end up running into brick walls that just seem impossible to get around. I have and continue to battle to overcome the obstacles that get in my way to reaching My Full Potential. God knows where He is taking me, but I don't always see it.

So, I said that Fear was that stumbling block in my path. I'll explain...I am in Graduate School and the last two semesters I have experienced anxiety and panic attacks. I have felt so overwhelmed by the amount of information that is coming at me that I don't feel like I can keep up. The last class, I barely finished in fact I didn't totally complete because I had a panic attack that would not turn off.

I am in therapy discussing some deep healing issues and my PTSD obviously went into full force. I ended up going to the E.R. because I turned bright red and my face was flushed and I felt like poison was racing through my system. They did all kinds of tests but could find nothing wrong. I was so frustrated because I knew something wasn't right but no one could tell me what it was. I finally went to my Psychiatrist who determined my fight or flight system was on full throttle and was not turning off. He told me the PTSD was enough for that to happen but all of the other stress I was under including grad school, work, and home life issues was more than one person could handle. He gave me some medication to stop the attacks but it also cut off all the "feel good drugs" my brain normally produced. I was spiraling downwards into a deep depression like I had experienced 5 years ago. It scared me so bad because I did not want to revisit the pit of hell. I remember what that was like and no way was I going there again. So I called him and he suggested I stop taking that med and get back on some anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds that I had been on for years. I did that and slowly the feeling of stress overload subsided. However, it feels like it is coming back mixed with depression. I FEEL depressed, I FEEL fearful, I FEEL afraid. I do not FEEL happy or bubbly and FEEL sad.

I just had a counseling session with two people who understand sexual abuse. I poured out my heart and what they recognized was, I was not connected to the little girl inside of me. I put on this brave adult front to carry on. The truth is there is a very scared little girl inside and I have no idea who she is. I look at her picture and do not even remember her. It is as though I never knew her. I do not know how to connect with her, but I know she is there because as I type this, she is crying inside. She is scarred, lonely, and angry because she was abandoned and rejected and never got the love she needed. She has not grown up and desires to talk to someone and have playmates who really understand her, love her and accept who she is. The brave adult which honestly at times is a front so she can appear "normal" is not the real me. The Real me is a combination of both but they have been disconnected for so long. How can I bring out this little girl so she can tell you her real story? The story of a little girl who lost so much, who had no idea what was happening to her, who tried to be brave but she was crumbling. She feels unlovable, she feels dirty, she feels like no one cared about her because no one would hear her screams. She tried to tell but no one listened. No one understood the signs. The bed wetting until age 10, the constant throat infections, the inappropriate sexuality and desire to sit in men’s laps, the little "flirt at age 6, 7, 8, 9......" that was not cute, that was her way of explaining she learned something that was not meant for her to learn. She cowers in a corner afraid to come out for fear no one will like her. She doesn't understand why no one wanted her besides those men who wanted pieces of her body. They took pieces of her body and pieces of her soul at the same time. This left her a fragmented and confused little child. No one is hearing me, how can I get someone to hear me, what must I do so I can be heard and get the attention I need? All I know how to do is what I learned to do at such a young age..I give my body and then someone wants me. My body must be who I am because that is all anyone seems to see. I begin to believe this lie and live it out...but who lives this out, is it her, the little girl or was she taken along for the ride because that is what I wanted? I say this because I just noticed I went from writing about her/she to I/me. These two people are not one, they are separate and that is why I believe I do not feel like a whole person. At times, I feel like a fake because there is a part of me that is very vulnerable, very sad and very fearful but she never gets to speak because the adult takes over and puts on a happy face and pretends all is well. Isn't that what she learned to do early on?

"Put a smile on your face and a song in your heart" is what my Mother always used to say. When the little girl was acting like a little girl, she was always told "cool it Sarah", Sarah was a very overdramatic actress from the early 1900's and when she acted that way her mother always told her that. She wasn't free to express how she really felt, her emotions and expressions were told to "cool it". The little girl never could be who God wanted her to be, she was so confused because what came natural to her was not the right thing to do, in fact she always felt like she could never do anything right and everything she did was wrong. She heard "cool it Sarah" a lot! What was the problem, why wasn't she good enough to be loved, why wasn't she accepted, why was she rejected and made to act and be someone she wasn't. Why wasn't she seen as O.K.? The sexual abuse she endured made her bad, it made her defective that is why no one wanted her or that is what she believed, but the abusers wanted her, they at least gave her the attention, but it wasn't really what she wanted, but it must do.

If it wasn't for that kind of attention she wouldn't get any at all. She hated how she felt after she got the attention, it was so confusing because it felt good and felt bad all at the same time. She just wanted to be loved but she felt like no one did. That little girl still feels like she isn't loved or accepted because she is the part that gets in the way from that "Big Girl" accomplishing what it is she wants. But ,she must share her feelings, she’s old enough now to speak up and she believes that it is now safe to come out of hiding. She is scared, she is fearful but if she doesn't speak up now how will anyone know what it was really like for her? She must tell her story so she can grow up and enjoy the life that God has in store for her too. She can't stay a fearful little girl forever, what a waste that would be.

So today she is coming out, will you recognize that she is doing it afraid? Will you embrace her and love her anyway? She can't worry about that anymore she just knows that she can't allow Fear to keep her in that corner any longer. She wants to enjoy life and feel the sunshine on her face, so here she is, the bright eyed beautiful little girl who's bottom lip is quivering but she must face the fear head on and be brave, she can do it because she believes other little girls have done the same...are you one of those little girls? If so will you let her know you are, introduce yourself to her and share with her how you faced the fear of coming out of hiding. She wants to play hop scotch and ring around the rosy and she needs to find some friends who will love her and accept her because they understand.....

It is very clear why all of the information in Grad school was too much. The little girl could not handle it, she was not mature enough to handle it, her brain didn't function like a grad school student, she's only 5! I believe if we take the numbers of our age and add them together, we will find out how old we really are, so that is how I figured out how old she was, 4+1=5. I am not 41, my body, my outside is, but in reality, I am still 5. At times, I FEEL like a 5 year old. I am confused, unsure and afraid.

I started this post off with these words, "hopefully by the time I am finished writing this I will have some clarity", I think it is apparent why I feel fearful or why she feels fearful. The little girl who is 5 is in grad school when in reality she belongs on the playground....I think it's time for Pick Up Stix and Popsicles....until next time....

Debra Roberts

www.YourFullPotential.Org